Mid-Life Crisis Songs #18: The Prettiest Eyes

You get so used to thinking of Paul Heaton as a hardened cynic - or a crotchety comedian - that you may well forget that he can be an old romantic at times too.

Here's one of my favourite Beautiful South songs. It's about growing old with someone. Remembering the excitement of youth, and still finding a flicker of it in their wrinkly old eyes.

If the wind's blowing in the right direction, it fair brings a tear to my eyes...

Let's take a look at these crows feet, just look

Sitting on the prettiest eyes

Sixty 25th of Decembers

Fifty-nine 4th of Julys

Not through the age or the failure, children

Not through the hate or despise

Take a good look at these crows feet

Sitting on the prettiest eyes

Well, the bus-shelter's always ok... when you're young.

The Hot 100 Countdown #95

This is Sam's biggest hero. Number 95. Lightning McQueen. The perfect start to this week's Hot 100 Countdown. #95 was a much tougher nut to crack than #96... but thanks for having a go.

Chris set the ball rolling with The Ramones - Durango 95. And let's face it, those guys will always be in with a chance. The song's named after another car too... this one:

Nice as that is though, it's an instrumental and it's only 55 seconds long, so hardly the Ramones at their most memorable.

But then came Alyson (who's currently in the lead in this quiz, if anybody's counting) with her most amazing suggestion yet. Digging back into the hidden treasures of her record collection, she reveals one of her favourite tracks of the 80s... prepare yourself to be rocked!

Much respect to Alyson: she knows how to play this game. But she doesn't get any points this week, I'm afraid. My actual choice is far less nasty...

There were three songs in my collection that referred to this famous American highway. And they're all winners... even if none of them is W.A.S.P.

Jimmy Buffet - I-95 (The Asshole Song)

Hamell On Trial - 95 South

But in the end, it had to be the Fountains of Wayne, taking a 9 hour drive just to see you...



Next week: #94. And if I'm to avoid using a year, I might have to drive really fast to find a song that only references the number 94 in its lyrics. Unless you have a better suggestion that I can pretend was mine all along.

Trump Gives Me A Gun

Try as I might to ignore him in the hope he might go away, Trump is the gift that keeps on giving.

I'm sure you've heard his latest brainwave. The solution to all these American school shootings (8 this year alone!) is to give the teachers guns.

Well, speaking as a teacher, I have to say... this is his best idea yet. Uh-huh. Can't seen any problems with that.

Like, say, if I get some really annoying sixteen year old in my class who just will not stop flicking through facebook or snapchatting his pals on his mobile... and I've asked him a thousand times to put it away... and all I get is lip... and I've tried everything I can to get him to pay attention to the lesson... it's not like I'm ever going to crack and say:

Yep. The answer to the gun problem in America just has to be more guns. What could possibly go wrong with that?

Let me tell you about the worst class I have this year. Three hours, from 9am till 12, every Monday morning, and not one of them wants to be there. I mean, sometimes... sometimes... it's like...

The silicon chip inside my head

Gets switched to overload...

(With apologies to Jez, for co-opting the theme of his regular Monday morning posts.)

Saturday Snapshots #21 - The Answers

Why do I give out the answers to Saturday Snapshots on Sunday morning?

Because the night belongs to lovers...



10. A coyote stuck in a bog leads to evil deeds.

Wile E. Coyote stuck in some peat.

Pete Wylie - Sinful

Martin & The Swede shared this one.

9. A fallen apple gets squeezed by ante meridiem seraphim.

Newton's apple gets juiced.

Juice Newton - Angel of the Morning

After a no-show last week, Alyson got up extra early this week to steal the points.

8. Karma from fresh chemical reactions.

New Radicals - You Get What You Give

Another one for Martin. (I had him pegged for this one.)

7. Nile's band in the past... I didn't even know you were pregnant!

Nile Rodgers' band (well, one of them) was Chic. In the past would be a long time ago.

Chicago - Baby, What A Big Surprise!

Another one for Alyson. CC had an interesting alternative.

6. Crazy (like her dad) in the States.

Yes, that's a very young Kim Wilde... and her dad, Marty.

Kim Wilde - Kids In America

Alyson's old flatmate went to school with Kim Wilde! 

5. Russian revolutionaries sharing a slide.

One of the big Russian Revolutions was the Decembrist revolt.

Decemberists - We All Go Down Together

George & The Swede teamed up for this.

4. Rest your drink on the garrulous bison.

The Coasters - Yakety Yak

Alyson again.

3. New York to L.A. with half of Mark Twain's finest.

Mark Twain's finest book was Huckleberry Finn. (Sorry, Tom.)

Coast To Coast - Do The Hucklebuck

Charity Chic has no shame. Respect!

2. Anthony the crazy Mexican visits James Brown in a chilly Saudi city.

Tone was loc' (short for loco).

Medina is a city in Saudi Arabia.

Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina

Another one for Martin, nipping at Alyson's heels.

1. Hug a thug.

Possibly my favourite clue ever.

Martin beat George to it by 3 minutes.

Embrace - Hooligan





I think Alyson just stole this week from Martin, but it was a close-run contest. Thanks, everybody!

More next week, unless Donald has given me my gun by then.

Saturday Snapshots #21

It's Saturday... time for the Battle of Who Could Care Less!

Identify ten artists and their titanic tunes from the clues below...



10. A coyote stuck in a bog leads to evil deeds.

9. A fallen apple gets squeezed by ante meridiem seraphim.

8. Karma from fresh chemical reactions.

7. Nile's band in the past... I didn't even know you were pregnant!

6. Crazy (like her dad) in the States.

5. Russian revolutionaries sharing a slide.

4. Rest your drink on the garrulous bison.

3. New York to L.A. with half of Mark Twain's finest.

2. Anthony the crazy Mexican visits James Brown in a chilly Saudi city.

1. Hug a thug.

Go!

Answers Sunday morning.

Yesterday's Next Big Things #1: Spector

Because one can never have too many sporadic series that fizzle out and then crop up again when you least expect them, I present: Yesterday's Next Big Things. Bands that those-in-the-know tipped to be huge... who then promptly fizzled away into nothing. Because, as Elvis sang...

You better speak up now, it won't mean a thing later

Yesterday's news is tomorrow's fish and chip paper

I thought I'd start with Spector, a band with the dubious rock 'n' roll chops to name themselves after a musical genius... and murdering psychopath. Well, it's one better than Mansun.

Back in 2012, the Grauniad described Spector as "somewhere between Roxy Music and the Strokes, The Killers and Kanye West, Pulp and Frank Sinatra". Come on, muso-critics: why not chuck Jesus Christ, Buddah and Shirley Bassey in there while you're at it?

I quite liked the band's first album, although they doomed themselves by calling it 'Enjoy It While It Lasts', because after "storming" into the UK album chart at Number 11, they promptly disappeared into semi-obscurity. The follow-up arrived with little fanfare in 2015... so little fanfare that writing this post is the first I'd heard of it. They're still in the go, apparently, but so far have yet to scratch their way into the pop consciousness the way the artists mentioned above did. Still, I like to think there's still time.

Anyway, because it'd Friday... have this. Don't listen too closely to the lyrics... they might also be seen as prophesying a fast fade out.

My Top Ten Square Songs

Ten songs for squares. Special mention to L7, obviously.



10. Love & Money - Jocelyn Square

Better than most of the singles that made the Top 40 in 1989... so obviously it made #51.

I still live on Jocelyn Square, nothing much has really changed

I still think about you, but only really when it rains

Sometimes you don't know something's open till it shuts

I loved you so much, I hated your guts

9. Iggy Pop - Squarehead

I think I should start reserving one place on every Top 10 for Iggy, even for his late 80s output which the cool kids will tell you is not all that good. If the song doesn't do it for you, take a look at this...

What do you want: blood?

8. Blondie - Contact In Red Square

Anyone seen the movie Atomic Blonde? It's basically "What if Debbie Harry was James Bond?" They really should have found room for this in the soundtrack...

Although I'm young I got a job to do

Hid the microfilm in the lining of my shoe

Call it a business trip

Got to hide inside my trench coat and be clever

I got my papers and a cyanide pill

My Polaroid's a taser in disguise

There's a base in the hills

And the wheat fields looks like Kansas in November

7. The Beta Band - Squares 

Owes quite a lot to Daydream, a 1969 Belgian hit by The Wallace Collection (which in turn lifted its melody from Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake) that also inspired I Monster's Daydream In Blue.

6. Emily Kinney - Times Square

Just lovely. Why isn't she a bigger star?

5. The Boo Radleys - The Old Newsstand at Hamilton Square

Great John Barry-esque tune from the final Boo Radleys album.

Sad songs are easier to play, I'm afraid...

4. The Wonder Stuff - Circlesquare

I've been a long-term disappointment to myself...

'Nuff said.

3. Harry Connick Jr. - A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square

Yeah, I know, Frank's version is far superior, but I have a special fondness for Harry's take. It's just so... lounge.

2. Elvis Presley - (You're So Square) Baby I Don't Care

Listen to the bassline in this. Guess who played it. Only bloody Elvis!

Of course, it took me many years of therapy to get over the Shreddies version. I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible. Because of that, I still believe there's a line in the original about not liking toast and jam. (There isn't.)

Much better is The Primitives' cover from The Last Temptation of Elvis.

1. Huey Lewis & The News - Hip To Be Square

You see... I dunno... I dunno how you could possibly listen to this and not think it's one of the greatest pop songs ever recorded. I mean, I'm sure you'll tell me otherwise and I'm a square for loving it, but I don't mind. It's hip to be square!





Which song makes you happy to be square?

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #17: World Of Hurt

I was 27 when I figured out

That blowing my brains out wasn't the answer

So I decided, maybe I should find a way

To make this world work out for me...

Sometimes you just press random on the cloud and the perfect song comes up to put a shine on the end of a shitty day. This came on on Monday night, Patterson Hood at his best. Cynical, world-weary, yet not giving up...

And my good friend Paul was 83

When he told me that, "To love is to feel pain"

I thought about that a lot back then

I think about that again and again...

I'm a sucker for songs where the singer just mutters the verses at you, only bothering to sing the actual chorus. Some people might call it lazy; I call it honest.

Believe it or not, this is a love song. A lot more honest than most of the love songs you hear on the radio.

Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath

And throw yourself into it with everything you got

It's great to be alive...

Or maybe it's just me. (I'm starting to think that should be my sign off line on this blog.)

The Hot 100 Countdown #96

96 could only have been one song, but there have been many fine versions over the years... so which is my favourite?

Chris and The Swede both went for the original by ? & The Mysterians, one of the original garage bands, led by the very Jagger-esque Rudy Martinez.

Lynchie suggested a live version by Richard Thompson & David Byrne - now there's an unbeatable team-up! Suits them both very well.

C went for Big Maybelle's version - never heard that before, but it's a cracker.

Charity Chic introduced me to Eddie & The Hot Rods take on it... very good too.

Swiss Adam suggested the Primal Scream cover... pretty trippy... I always like it when the Scream go mental like this.

Nobody went for the other two versions in my record collection: Garland Jeffreys or The Inspiral Carpets, but both are worth the odd spin. (That organ solo must have been irresistible to Clint Boon!)

Once you start digging around on youtube, you can find all manner of treats, including Aretha, Iggy... even Bruce. But for me, it goes back to my first love. The version I first heard. The version I bought on 7" inch single back in 1990. Congrats to Alyson and Rigid Digit for guessing right this week.

Take it away, Hugh...



95's going to be a bit tougher to guess, I reckon. Any takers?

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #16 - Monday (Every Time I Turn Around)

These guys are The Bottle Rockets, a band I came across on a free sampler compilation from Bloodshot Records that Charity Chic pointed me in the direction of. You can find it here.

You know when you're a kid and the older generation tell you to enjoy those endless days of youth that seen to last forever, because all too soon your time will speed up and you won't know where it's all gone? This one seems appropriate for today...

Tuesday means the weekends almost here.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday disappear.

Well Saturday means Sunday's almost in the rearview mirror.

The future's certain end is always

It goes so fast it won't slow down.

It's Monday everytime I turn around.

Saturday Snapshots #20 - The Answers

Sunday morning. No video games... just snapshot answers.



10. Paddington loves... a mirror of memories.

Marmalade - Reflections Of My Life

First point to Lynchie.


9. Russian prostitutes want you to dress like Prince.

Gogol Bordello - Start Wearing Purple

Half a point each to C and CC.


8. At home in the vineyard: I really am rubbish... aren't I?

Amy Winehouse - You Know I'm No Good

First point of the week to Chris.


7. The way we say thank you differs in many places. Anyone seen Gabriel?

Ta varies.

Please yourself.

Tavares - Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel

Second point to Lychie.

6. Prisoner Pat finds new job in elementary house.

A little deduction required for this one.

Some time after The Prisoner TV show finished, Patrick McGoohan appeared in a short-lived US TV series called Rafferty.

Sherlock Holmes lived on Baker Street. Elementary, my dear Watson.

Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street

(Bob Holness on sax, of course.)

Congrats to Lynchie for puzzling that one out.

5. Take a train to a southern amusement park... but don't tell the missus!

The train mentioned above, from which the band took their name, was called The Kursaal Flyer.

Kursaal Flyers - Little Does She Know

Well done to The Swede, beating George to it by about 90 seconds.


4. Iron Man goes fawlty over the mouse.

Tony Stark + Basil Fawlty + Mickey Mouse...

Toni Basil - Mickey

Another point to Chris - doing very well this week.


3. Mad King balances Yin & Yang with his wrecking crew.

The Mad King was George.

Balancing Yin & Yang would be (Thoro)Good & Bad (To The Bone).

George Thorogood & The Destroyers - Bad To The Bone

Lynchie knew this one, but C beat him to it.


2. Innoculation for scuba divers.

The Vaccines - Wet Suit

Another point for Chris!


1. He's desperate to join the Beach Boys - could use a rosary!

If Desperate Dan became a Wilson, perhaps he could join The Beach Boys.

The Rosary is a prayer to the Virgin Mary.

Danny Wilson - Mary's Prayer

Final point to Lynchie, making him this week's winner, just ahead of Chris. Well done, everybody.




More nonsense next Saturday.

Saturday Snapshots #20

Another week bites the dust... time for Saturday Snapshots.

Identify ten artists and their top tunes from the clues below...



10. Paddington loves... a mirror of memories.

9. Russian prostitutes want you to dress like Prince.

8. At home in the vineyard: I really am rubbish... aren't I?

7. The way we say thank you differs in many places. Anyone seen Gabriel?

6. Prisoner Pat finds new job in elementary house.

5. Take a train to a southern amusement park... but don't tell the missus!

4. Iron Man goes fawlty over the mouse.

3. Mad King balances Yin & Yang with his wrecking crew.

2. Innoculation for scuba divers.

1. He's desperate to join the Beach Boys - could use a rosary!

Simples... as the meerkats have it.

Answers Sunday morning.